memories

Yesterday I drove with my family through new york to queens where I had lived for the past two years. I drove through my old neighborhood, past the mall ,and restaraunts I used to eat at and memories began to flood my head and soon after the pain came. I dont know exzactly where the pain came from was it regret, dissapointment, that I had lost this beautiful place I used to call home. It hurt more than I actually expected it would going back there. It was all so easy before. Before I stopped I had everything and I could have had even more.Sadness had plauged me for the rest of the trip. Until I realized that would'nt be the last place I would ever live. And if all I lost was a home and car which could both be replaced I considered myself lucky. It wasn't until I lost all the material things that I realized I had nothing inside of me.When everything was gone I saw I was gone too. I had no soul left in me I was so focused on everything I had on the outside ,I had nothing like most (strippers) going for me on the inside. My mind was wrapped up in what I needed to buy, what tattoos I was going to get ,the drama at the club that weekend,my hair color blah,blah,blah. Someone once told me I had no substance and I was shallow and that angered me very much. That was not true...or was it? At least I wasn't always like this. In a world where your conversation with your peers at work consists of what surgery they want, or what series their new BMW is. I guess I got caught up .I became a product of my enviorment. I can see now the clouds are lifting and the sun is finally starting to shine through.Who I was last year and who I am today are totally different, its only been four months and look how far Ive come.

MY SELF WORTH

Some days i feel I've made alot of mistakes by shoving all the painful things that have happened to me while being a stripper. i have pushed years of pain to the back and i wonder why some days i wouldn't want to go to work. I used to think i was just lazy. Some days I would cry uncontrollably and i didn't know why. Well anyone would cry if your self worth depended on the amount of money you made that night. So my theory went like this if i made alot of money I felt great about myself if I did not I felt like shit. My self worth was what i was worth for that nite. If I made 800 dollars on Friday i was happy I would blow that, and by Sunday Id be back to work looking for my self worth all over again. It became a viscious cycle.

DAY BY DAY

Many days i wake up with extreme anxiety about my new life ahead and i wake up sad many days too. My life definitely has been harder since i left i went from making hundreds of dollars a night to not having a dime, and its hard. Ever since i stopped though i have gained myself little by little begin to see myself again see my interest ,my strengths, and my weakness. The industry had clouded my vision all i could see was that and the financial benefits it gave me. Even though i have lost everything my car my house .I am getting back to myself and no amount of money can buy that.

where to begin

i have to pick up the pieces that have been broken from years of men putting me down and building me back up again. where do i begin on this road that is so unfamiliar to me i feel lost to be honest i feel empty and confused. i fight with myself not to go back it is the worst addiction and I'm not talking just the money. there's so much more that draws you in and holds on to you